A not yet new beginning.

So, its April already. (:
Had a tough couple of weeks, but its okay.
Its either I face it, or I die.

Whats for sure is, I'm still confused.
Maybe, I should really move on. Like really.
No matter how much it hurts. & i know, I've been through worst.
I'll not be looking, I'll be waiting. Who knows, the person you love,
but you just didn't realize it, is infront of you? Who knows.

Oh & you know what, I broke a few hearts in 4 months. Pro no? Hah.
I feel the guilt. I guess, its getting better. But jealousy strikes again.
Not to me though.
They say, I broke their hearts so many times. & I keep apologizing.
But is it worth it, if I don't even know the reason why?
I told them what I had to. & .... forget it.

What about my heart?


Yeah, fine. I have a strong heart now. But it still can crack you know.
I crushed my last one till I had to die and live again.
I'm like, I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry for what I said, what I did. I'm sorry.
But they never knew, I'm hurting more. Do you?
The guy who realizes, who cares, cares about my heart more than his, sacrifices his love for others,
thats the guy. Who will appear right infront of my eyes. One day.
And I have to move onnnnn like very soon. I just need a new beginning.


Anyways, forget bout that.
I have a new boyfriend? haha.
He's charming. He doesn't over react. He's cute. He cares. He's loyal. Sometimes, he's lost.
I think he knows what I mean. (:
1st April 2011 .. ? Seriously? Lmao.
ohwell, blablabla. I love him, yknow?
Only we know the truth, of our relationship. relationship.
Kyle Nicholas Hon. ♥




Just because,
Mas

Sorry for the dead blog.

Its february 2011, people.
Sedayans are better than tenbians I guess.
& I'm busy like heck since january. Had alot of stuffs to do. Still have some too.
I miss my best friend. I miss SOME tenbians.
Only those who don't forget the people who left.
Like Rayan. He's just amazing.
Oh well, I'm too lazy to update nowadays.

just because,
Mas

Another.

I can say, our connection is falling apart.
But I don't know, cause this happened awhile before.
& it didn't change.
But boy, it was fun. Thank you.
I still want to meet you though. Cause now its 2011, we didn't see each other for 3 years already.
Oh god, I miss you.
One day, it'll happen.

;
Hazzique doesn't have his phone again.
& here goes the days without my best friend, again.

;
Sedaya is fine. I tried laying low but what the heck it ain't working.
So, I'll just go with the flow.
I have to concentrate on my studies. For me, and my parents.
After all they've did for me.


p.s I won't be updating for awhile. sorry for the partially dead blog.

Just because,
Mas

2011.

Its 2011. And when it reaches 1/1/11, I didn't feel a thing. (:
Cause its just another year, another day. I have been through it for years.
Today is, 2/1/11.
And tomorrow's school?
Ask me if I'm ready, I'll say, I'm born ready.


Just because,
Mas

Kapir. I had enough of them. (:

" When something fashionable gets popular and everybody is wearing it, ditch it. Do not follow trends. "
♥


Just because,
Mas

Yap.

Siaaa.
I'm unofficially, engaged.
Again. Aha (:

Muhammad Ezraf.
We met about 6 years ago. When we were 10.
At bowling. We weren't really close back then.
& he's closer to my sister than me?
Aha, maybe. Well, like 3 to 6 years ago.
About 2 years ago or so, my family went to his open house.
What I remember? I slept on his couch while he plays Play Station 2 with my sister. (x
We lost contact for 2 years. Right before we enter secondary school.

Then, he added me on facebook. & the only mutual friend of Aidil.
So I thought, this might just be another friend of his.
But when I look at the picture, I went like " Damn, he looks like this guy I used to know. "
Well, I didn't want to make sure cause his name is totally different on facebook.
After awhile, I found out he was the guy I thought he is.
Then we talked and chatted, till now. He's totally different now.
Taller too. But not yet, as tall as me. Maybe yet, maybe not. We don't know. (:
I hope he will be. He knows why.
♥


Just because,
Mas

Bestie.

There you go. One of the pictures taken on the 13th. (:

Meet Hazzique, my best friend.

We have alot of " one day " 's to do.

Some are accomplished. 

He's 16. I'm 14.

We can still understand each other, you see.

Just because,

Mas

Wait.

I think, I will be waiting. Till whenever.

Just because,
Mas

Its been awhile since we met, so I don't know.
Maybe I am falling. But its too soon, to fall in love again.
But I am. I'm just not sure.

Just because,
Mas.

13th of december, 2010. A day to remember.

Its not a new beginning.

Its not another ending. Its just a new beginning.

I'm turning over a new leaf. I just want a happy life. 

A life that isn't full of,

depression and pain.

Another guy might, steal my heart again.

But, I better be careful, the next time.

Why? Because I had enough.

Just because,

Mas

Its all about growing up.

while i grow up,
help never show up.
i learned to show no pain,
in the end i get fed up.
i learned to hold them up,
socialize with pain and trust.
now can you pretend,
the world is alright.
half of us are warm
others sleep through cold night
half of us in darkness,
while half in sunlight
the only thing  in common is,
we all fight.

i love you, no i dont.
at least i used to, you aint showing.
it feels so wrong, but I feel so right.
i know you're gone, now so am i.
its time i choose,
our Love's a Lie

here's my lesson,
life is lethal.
why i help others,
when they never helping me?
i got problems hard to solve,
but i got myself on my feet.
learned life aint fair,
asking why i dont cheat?
but i believe while its bleeding,
i sweep it off my feet.

this is how i grow up
dropped with all the stress
stacking and compress
14 year old depress
scars all over my chest
heart torn out this mess

just because,
anonymous.

Goodbye to another relationship.

I'm sorry I had to do it.
I didn't want to.
Its for the best. We both know it.
I still love you no matter what. As a best friend.
I love you Dad. Andrew.

Just because,
Mas

5 days, GO FASTER.

Have a safe trip.

Put all the blame on me.

Don't worry. Its not like I have any feelings.

If you can even remember,

I was the pessimist, the one who people call emotional, the one who's always depressed.

Not you.

Pain is in my blood.

& I'm proud of it. It makes me live in reality.

I don't use depression as a reason for me to suicide.

You want to do it not because of anyone else.

Its because of you, yourself.

I tried stopping arguements and shit.

But you keep going on and on and on.

Why do I look like I don't care?

Because you lost faith in me.

If you still trust me,

you will automatically that I do care.

No trust, No love. Baby thats how it goes.

Relationships, is not the main reason I'm depressed.

Its a small part of it.

Maybe, you just don't remember.

Or you don't care.

Thanks for loving me and trusting me before.

I realized that was in the past category.

So please, don't let me live in a lie.

I know you'll be reading this.

You might get pissed.

but really, I don't care if you do.

Because atleast I'm honest enough to tell you all of these.

& you, you never stopped accusing me.

Thank you for that. It'll help me in the future.

Goodbye. 

No doubt. I'm going to miss you guys.

30th.

I had a really nice day.
30th of November 2010.
My uniform is full with signatures & messages.
It was really sweet. & in many languages too.
I've got 2 " love " letters from Rayan. & one present.
I wanted to cry reading the letters. It was breathtaking.
Which is an elastic capo. He knew I broke mine.
I mean, Hazzique broke mine. Aha.

After school,
I went to Lydia's. Then to Darren's.
Played PS3 and Wii. Well, its been awhile since I played them,
so technically, I sucked.
Then I went to watch TV with Darren.
Watched House, where we don't even get whats the main story.
& the words are like, so scientific. Darren and I were soo clueless. Aha.
After that, I walked with Andrew to his house. It was a long walk, again.
I was soo lazy. But anyways, I went to Andrew's and onlined.
& then, played his xBox. The game was Fable 2.
& I killed Andrew's wife. Well, it was Brandon's but Andrew was playing it so, yeah.
After that, I had to go home. Andrew and I walked to meet Lydia next.
On the way, we met Andrew's mom & Edward.
So, after that, we three walked to Lydia's. Then Andrew went home.
Then Lydia & I got a ride from her sister to the clubhouse.
My brother picked me up over there.

In the car, Abang was like singing so gay-ly with me.
But I wasn't acting gay. He was.
With his buff-ness & all, acting gay is ... EWW.
Then, we make words out of plate numbers, again.
We never get bored of that.
The lamest one was, WHK.
Abang was like " WONDERFUL HONG KONG."
I just glared at him.
For me, was BHH. Which Big, Hairy & Hot.
Abang was like, WHAT THE SHIT ITS ALREADY BIG & HAIRY BUT ITS HOT?
ahahaha.
At home, hm.
At night, we danced. My sister & I choreographed some steps.
Then, Abang joined.
But it was the song, Sexy Bitch. When he came in.
So technically, Mimi danced her own style but Abang & I shuffled and liquid with turns and all.
As, he taught me how to shuffle.
So yeah, it was a really funny and awesome day. (:

I love 30th of November 2010.

Just because,
Mas

3 days.

It was a kind of torture,

for a good cause.

My mom,

massaged my shoulder and tried to put it back in place.

But it hurts so much. I screamed and almost shed a tear.

Well, its something I have to cope with anyways.

Its life. 

Stuffs happen.

School, here I come.

Tomorrow. Unfortunately.

I'm not allowed to skip, anymore.

As its only, 3 days left.

Till Tenby school life, ends for me.

;

Don't make this harder for me.

Just please set me free.

Its better for me to leave.

As its my life thou', for me to live.

I love you people.

Like, seriously.

But, face it. Its reality.

You were threatening me.

But you were joking, ofcourse.

Still, I know you mean it.

You, my fergalicous friends. (;

Brandon made that up btw. Aha.

Okay, back to it.

You, are like the screen to my camera.

Without you, I won't work.

I love you. You know you are.

* Plural *

Just because,

Mas

Dislocated.

I fell going " up " the stairs.
& dislocated my shoulder.
Waseh.
Yes, it hurts so badly.
But at least,
its better than getting hurt emotionally.

I have been skipping school for 4 days last week.
Its going to be 4 days this week too.
I'll be going on Monday & Tuesday.
Last two days in Tenby.
Heck yeah, I'm happy.
I'll be in Sedaya, next year.
Maybe for only, one year.

Okay, skip to the lines.

Maybe, just maybe,
I'm not going to stay.
But, really,
I'll be there. At least, as a good friend.
You will maybe,
know at that time,
that I'm better that way for you.
We have lives. We can't keep hurting it.
Its better for us finding somebody who matches us. One day.
One day.
This is killing me in every way.
You take me in. You shut me up.
& I keep breaking. You keep hurting.
Cause baby, think about it.
My heart is now steel. Cause my real one broke into pieces.
You're hurting. Its cracking.
Thats how much it hurts.
& mark my words. Its steel. & its cracking.


; Chuck Norris didn't wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

owh, and honey.
I can fake smile when I'm crying, easily.

Just because,

Mas